Glossary of open-minded dating terms

Open-minded dating has its own vocabulary. This glossary explains the formats, roles and practices in plain language — so you can read a profile, or write your own, without guessing what a word means. Two umbrellas sit over most of it: ethical (or consensual) non-monogamy — ENM/CNM covers the formats (swinging, open relationships, polyamory), while Kink covers the preferences (BDSM, fetishes and more). They're different axes — you can be one, both or neither. The common thread is the same one Gramsy is built on: honesty and consent, stated up front.

ENM / CNM

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also called consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is the umbrella for any relationship where everyone involved openly agrees that romantic or sexual connections outside the couple are welcome. It covers swinging, open relationships and polyamory, among others. What sets it apart is not the number of partners but the honesty — every arrangement is agreed to, not hidden.

Vanilla

Vanilla describes a conventional, mainstream sexual style — one without kink. It's the counterpoint to the kink umbrella, not to non-monogamy: you can be non-monogamous (ENM) and vanilla at the same time. The word is purely descriptive, not a judgement — plenty of people are happily vanilla, and "open-minded" includes them too.

The main formats — and the kink umbrella

Each of these has its own reference page with a fuller explanation:

Swinging — couples (and singles) meeting others for consensual sexual experiences, together and openly.
Polyamory — having more than one loving relationship at a time, with everyone's knowledge and agreement.
Open relationship — a committed couple who agree that one or both can date or play outside the relationship.
BDSM — a spectrum of power-exchange and sensation play built on negotiation, consent and trust.
Kink — the umbrella of preferences that BDSM and fetishes belong to: a different axis from the formats above, about what someone is into rather than how their relationship is arranged.

Swinging & lifestyle

Soft swap

Soft swap describes couples who play with others but keep the more explicit acts (typically penetrative sex) within their own partnership. Where exactly the line sits is decided by each couple and stated in advance. It's a common starting point for people new to the scene.

Hard swap

Hard swap (or full swap) is when couples are open to full sexual contact with other partners, not just the lighter play of a soft swap. As with everything in the lifestyle, the boundaries are agreed by everyone before anything happens.

Same-room / separate-room

These terms describe where a couple prefers to play with others: in the same room, staying together and in view of each other, or in separate rooms. It's a practical preference worth stating early, since comfort levels differ from couple to couple.

Hotwife

A hotwife dynamic is one where a woman in a committed relationship dates or plays with others, with her partner's full knowledge and enthusiasm. It's a consensual arrangement centred on the couple's shared agreement, not on deception.

Cuckolding / cuckqueaning

Cuckolding is a dynamic where one partner takes pleasure in their partner being intimate with someone else, with everyone aware and consenting. Cuckqueaning is the same dynamic with the roles reversed. It sits alongside the hotwife arrangement and is always a mutual agreement.

Bull

A bull is the third person a couple invites into a hotwife or cuckolding dynamic. The role is defined by what the couple agrees to in advance — some want an ongoing connection, others a one-time meeting — so stating expectations early matters.

Unicorn

A unicorn is a single person — often a bisexual woman — who joins an existing couple, either for a meeting or a longer connection. The name reflects how sought-after and comparatively rare such a match is. Clear expectations on both sides keep it fair for everyone.

The Lifestyle

"The Lifestyle" (sometimes abbreviated LS) is the community's own name for the world of swinging and open sexual socialising — clubs, events, parties and the couples and singles who take part. Saying someone is "in the Lifestyle" is a discreet way of signalling they're part of this scene.

Open relationships

Monogamish

Monogamish describes a couple who are mostly monogamous but allow some agreed room for outside connections — perhaps only occasionally, or under specific conditions. It's a middle ground between strict monogamy and a fully open relationship, and the exact rules are theirs to define.

Polyamory

Throuple / triad

A throuple (or triad) is a committed relationship between three people. All three may be involved with each other, or the connections may take different shapes — what matters is that everyone knows and agrees. It's one of the most common polyamorous structures.

Solo polyamory

Solo polyamory means having multiple meaningful relationships while keeping your independence — no shared household, no "primary" partner by default. People who identify this way value autonomy and tend to build connections that don't merge lives in the traditional sense.

Metamour

A metamour is your partner's other partner — someone you're connected to through a shared partner rather than directly. Metamours may be close friends, cordial acquaintances or simply people who respect each other's space; polyamorous people talk openly about these links.

Compersion

Compersion is the warm, happy feeling some people get from seeing a partner enjoy another relationship — often described as the opposite of jealousy. It's a value many in non-monogamous communities aspire to, though it coexists with the ordinary work of communication and reassurance.

NRE (new relationship energy)

New relationship energy is the intense excitement and infatuation that comes with a fresh connection. In non-monogamy the term is useful shorthand for naming that rush — and for staying mindful of existing partners while it runs its course.

Kink & BDSM

Kink is the umbrella for preferences outside the vanilla mainstream; BDSM and fetishes are two of its branches.

Fetish

A fetish is a reliable sexual attraction to a specific object, material or situation rather than to a person as a whole. It's one kind of kink — many people have one, and it's a normal part of the map of what someone enjoys. Like everything else here, it's something to state and talk about openly.

Dom / sub / switch

These name the roles in a power-exchange dynamic: a Dominant (Dom) takes the leading role, a submissive (sub) yields it, and a switch enjoys both depending on the partner or the moment. Roles are chosen and negotiated, never assumed.

See also: BDSM, Aftercare, Hard & soft limits.

Aftercare

Aftercare is the attention partners give each other after a scene — reassurance, comfort, water, quiet time — to reconnect and settle emotionally. It's considered a core part of doing BDSM responsibly, not an optional extra.

Hard & soft limits

Limits are the boundaries someone sets before a scene. Hard limits are absolute — never to be crossed — while soft limits are things a person is hesitant about and might explore only under specific conditions. Naming both is the foundation of consent.

Safe word

A safe word is an agreed word or signal that immediately pauses or stops a scene, no questions asked. It lets partners play with intensity while keeping a reliable way to check in or stop at any time.

Safety & trust

Vetting

Vetting is the manual checking people in the community do before meeting someone new: exchanging agreed verification photos, a video call, confirming that a partner knows and consents, asking about someone's reputation in the local scene. The word comes from the lifestyle, polyamory and BDSM communities, where the cost of a fake profile is high — trust is earned before the first meeting, not assumed.

Outing

Outing is disclosing someone's sexuality, relationship format or involvement in the scene without their consent — to family, an employer or the internet. In open-minded communities discretion is part of consent: who knows what about you, and when, stays your decision, and outing someone is treated as a serious breach of trust.

Catfishing

Catfishing is running a dating profile under a made-up identity — usually with someone else's or AI-generated photos — to draw people into conversation. A catfish typically avoids video calls and real meetings; a reverse image search and a video call before meeting remain the standard counters.